Some of the stuffies I've been processing lately in reflection of others on the poly board:
<<You don't have to have those particular mirrors [Debi Jo speaking of intimate poly mirrors].>>
Not to live, true... however, in my experience, for my arting to be full,
abundant, queued and ready to rock 'n roll? It's come in this way *only* when
I've been "true to my poly nature"... During one two week period (in my 20s) I
created a series of 65 drawings in a flurry of fullness. That's the kind of
ebullience I felt ready to pour forth a few years ago when I "awoke."
<<You will have mirrors in your friends, family and acquaintances, they will
just be of a different type.>>
True... and, don't get me wrong! I truly value those mirrors as well. They are
decidedly *not* the same as the other and though vital and as important as the
relationship I have with my husband (and children), they don't provide the same
avenues to my art. At the same time, I don't believe that eschewing the
relationships I have with my dh et al for the poly alone would allow the arting
to pour forth either. It seems to be the whole picture of fullness - the
stability and security of a loving mate and "family" of friends along *with* the
access to poly partnered mirrors.
<<The important thing (to me) is that you (or I) understand who is making the
decision about how you should live this next most magnificent version of who you
are.>>
Yes! This is very important. When I forget that I have choice (for whatever
reason), I can get resentful and depressed.
<<There is no one else who can make that choice.>>
Absolutely true!
<<Take all the time you need. It's your time. Isn't it great to be alive???>>
Lol, an eternity... and heck yeah! Even if I lean toward impatience at times...
Blythe
AND...
I didn't really state some of these things clearly enough and I've been thinking
more since I wrote so, lol! I'm going to respond to my response so maybe I can
make it more clear...
<<My partner fills so very many of my most necessary needs - I mean life needs.
Could some be better filled? Sure. But, they are needs that are much more easily
filled and not as necessary (if that makes sense).>>
I meant that my husband fills some needs and a kind of deep, underlying support
that I haven't found reflected back to me in other people. The more easily met
and more "surface" needs are way more easy to find in others (for me) so
wouldn't be reasons for me to stay or to to endure the pain. Do I need the
reflection or is it something I could fill in myself? Intellectually, my answer
is "sure"... emotionally? Mmmmmm, not necessarily? Most of the time, yes. But,
the times I really need an other to help me through... not so much. I want to
have another to share my life with - one who shares my hopes and fears and
politicals, one who shares a similar approach to life. I have friends who do as
well, but they aren't life partners in a living with way - though communal
living has always been an ideal for me.
<<What my poly does for me is to offer more full reflection of my self to me so
that I can more fully see all of me. It's more like I have more mirrors
surrounding me. For someone who has studied humings (and herself) all my
lifelong and who also arts to reflect all those findings and learnings back
outward? Those mirrors are invaluable.>>
I meant "acting on my polyness" (which I said to the bone because I can *feel*
it in a very physical way... the article about the poly receptors in voles
definitely felt "right" to me). Even having the "freedom" to act on my polyness
helps me feel more full. Managing multiple relationships takes time and effort.
There are times when my time restrictions would keep other relationships to a
minimum if they weren't at my fingertips (or in the same house/neighborhood as
me). Could I find reflection in other ways? Possibly... but, I haven't found
them in 50+ years of looking so far.
I am an extrovert in many ways... I am an outloud thinker/explorer in many
ways... I am a being who seeks reflection in order to find clarity... I process
through my hands... I love intimacy as a way of exploring others (whom I feel a
deep connection with, not everyone)... I thrive when traveling lifing pathways
and exploration with fellow humings... All these things come together rather
well in a poly lifestyle. And following NONE of these things takes away from the
deep and abiding love I have for my husband. I am NOT trying to find better or
to replace him. I know how rare what I feel in and with and from him is. That is
why (when it comes down to it) I'm willing to set a major component of my self
aside each day that I choose to do so... and, it is a choice I must make almost
daily.
I hope that makes it a li'l clearer for those of you reading :-) And, again...
please ask about and/or challenge anything I've written so I can get even
clearer... Blythe
AND...
In response to Mollie:
<<You sound like deeply compassionate and thoughtful. Thanks so much for your kind
reply.
I wonder what it is you think you are holding back from the world, in not
exploring more actively the passionate and polyamorous aspects of yourself.
Could it be that the world needs this full and vibrant you? How much of keeping
yourself in a sustained, but perhaps less exciting and creative, arrangement is
not ultimately serving your relationship with your husband? Have you ever asked
him what it is that he most deeply wants for you? And what is it that you most
deeply want for yourself?
I absolutely do not have the answers to these questions. I am definitely working
with them right now, and I observe my dear love D examining them himself, in his
own marriage. We love our spouses, we love each other, we want to be able to
follow what our hearts and bodies tells us feels natural. Unfortunately, it is
not so simple in this culture, and with our deeply inculcated beliefs about love
and what commitment is, to do that.
I saw a quote today that seemed so resonant with these questions for me:
"So much of the satisfaction in life is in taking a risk for the thing you love.
You can't take foolish risks; you need to know the difference between a
calculated risk and self-destructiveness, but the love you carry with you and
the risks you take define your life.">>
My response...
As to the questions... I know "what" I'm holding back because I felt it very
specifically and abundantly. Tis the *why* that I'm piqued by... and that is a
very interesting piece for me. It calls into question my spiritual beliefs as
well as the biggie many of us wonder about: Why am I here?
Those are both very difficult questions for me to answer, partly due to my
beliefs. If I thought/felt that this was the only rendition of lifewalking that
I got during my "evolution" I would be living my life and choosing markedly
differently. I do NOT believe that so I am taking this journey with an eye
toward being less vigorous and more observant.
I fully believe that my husband was reaping as much "life" because of my
resonance when I was living fully me. The trouble is in where he thought it was
based and where I know it was based (which are two very different places,
evidently). Once his pain and fear kicked in, I couldn't be the cause of it. I
know this is where Debi's intuitive would say... let *him* handle his own pain
and fear but I simply cannot do that yet. Just as I have pain for an animal when
accidentally hitting it with my car, I cannot be the cause of others' pain when
I feel there are other choices I could make. My empathy gene is rather extreme
and excepts my own pain in deference to others.
Some choices simply seem larger than life - not in an "I can't make them way"
more from an "It will all work out over time with love and compassion" sort of
way... if that makes sense?
AND...
<<[from Sage:] Of course I know it would, he's tried to be mono and was unavailable to me
emotionally on many levels even though I know he was trying. >>
It was amazing for me to see how very shut down I've been for all these years,
Sage. Before my awakening, I would have told anyone asking that my marriage was
just fine because I had so thoroughly "accepted" my "role/position" in life.
Only *afterward* do I know that the power and levels of loving and depth of
caring can be soooooooooooo much greater when I'm living my full self.
This realization makes me wonder how much I'm cheating myself when I'm not
choosing that self daily but waiting - for what I'm not sure. At the same time I
ask myself (nearly daily) whose pain is worse even though I know that I'm not
responsible for taking care of my dh's pain and growth.
Life ain't easy so much of the time... but, I'd rather come through it having
learned and grown as much as possible. Blythe
